I woke up this morning and something hit me ..
For as long as I continue to neglect the fact that I am a Goddess, a being that is fearfully and wonderfully made, a loving daughter, sister, Auntie, a voice in my community, a vivacious and exuberant, thick ass, sexy ass YELLA BONE. I will NEVER attract a man who sees me as the same. I will forever have relationships that will bring me anguish, or simply nothing at all. How the fuck can I expect a man to see all of me and love ALL of me when I don’t? How will I expect men to stop half assing me? Whether we’re talking, or whether we’re “dating” (insert synonym for what it is we do these days), situationship- WHATEVER… I cannot expect a man to see in me what I do not fully see within myself. I have to internalize these facts and believe them. I have to carry myself that way. I have to remind myself daily. I have to speak it aloud daily. I have to stop half assing my damn self.
Since I’ve turned 35, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and studying my patterns. LOTS OF INTROSPECTION. And although I say I am ready for love *In My Best India Arie Voice* It will never happen to the degree that I desire if I don’t give MYSELF the love and recognition that I deserve.
Who’s going to Adore me if I don’t? Who’s going to be smitten with me if I’m not smitten with my damn self for real, for real?? Who’s going to worship the ground I walk on if I criticize my own steps???? Who’s going to be MY peace of I cannot be my own?
Why can’t I see the great things in myself that I see in other people? Why can’t I encourage or push myself the way I do a friend? Or family member? Or even a romantic interest?!!?
I joke about my type not REALLY being my type, but physical characteristics mean nothing when I’m putting out energy that says I’m unsure of who Arica is. Yeah I know I should be treated well, but why?? And do I REALLY think I deserve it? Whoooo this is heavy y’all. And I’m giving y’all quite a bit. Stay with me!
NOW DON’T GET ME WRONG. I’m not saying I don’t love myself. I’m saying I’m overly critical. I do doubt myself. I get insecure about many things. Sometimes I’m too hard on myself, but who isn’t right?? Well it’s time for me to stop. Stop overthinking, stop talking myself out of bomb ass ideas, start looking at myself and seeing a QUEEN. Start loving every single part of me. Embracing my expressive ways. Admiring my flaws, recognizing them and realizing that they are what makes me ME-what sets me apart.
This of course doesn’t JUST apply romantically. In my creative work, my 9-5, with my family, friends and the like. Virtually every area of my life. Because it’s MY life, in which I have the pleasure of living it how I want. But I have been holding myself back for so long.
Done focusing on what didn’t work and looking forward to what WILL and be grateful for what has.
Done focusing on what went WRONG and recognize what went right.
No more downplaying my accomplishments.
No more downplaying my ventures.
No more downplaying my looks, dress or anything else about me.
I can drink all the wine, see every shrink, go on every trip, hit every spa and hang with my girls all day … but self care don’t mean SHIT if I’m not completely in tune with ME. Nothing will go as planned if I can’t get that simple thing down.
If you’re struggling with something similar, I encourage you to do your best to change your mindset too. Does it mean looking in the mirror and having a conversation?? Does it start with writing it down?? Does it start with putting others in their place who have made you feel a certain way?? Whatever wakes you up to your full potential start doing it! It will be tough I know! But it has to be done! You are too bomb to let your inner thoughts psyche you out of something else GREAT! So let’s go!
If you’re reading this and thinking – “well duh!” .. screw you. BUT IF NOT….
I hope this helps you!